Dream

I am Erra Fazira. I was in a house with my husband Yusry and his two brothers. They were sitting on the sofa and they were talking while I looked at them from afar. I decided that I had to leave, to get away, for a while.

....

They realized that I was missing. They were looking for me. Their father, Yusof Haslam was also looking for me.

....

I was walking out of a store. I saw my father in law, Yusof Haslam who was about to enter the store. He didn't notice me. I rushed to my bike that I parked outside the store, put on my helmet, rode my bike as fast as I could. Oh no! He was staring at me! He was coming towards me! I jumped off my bike and saw a van parked near the curb. I got in, started the engine and pressed the gas pedal, as fast as I could. But the van wont go as fast as I wanted. Oh no! He was already at the back of the van. He was fast. I pressed more. The van was accelerating, but just a little bit. He was fast, and strong! It seemed like he could pull the van and forbid it from moving forward. He was still at the back of the van, then I saw him pushing the van like some super hero. I can feel the van's speed increasing when he was doing that. God help me! I was terrified!

That was my dream last night. Hilarious aint it? Cant believe I can be Erra Fazira, even just in a dream. Ha ha ha. Itulah mak cakap tak nak dengar. Jangan tidur lepas subuh, tapi tido jugak.

I read about dream interpretation in Cleo months ago, but I couldnt find the magazine yesterday. So I tried to search for the dream interpretation on the net, see what I found:

To dream that you are a celebrity, signifies your high aspirations that may be way beyond your reach at the present moment. You may just be setting yourself for a let-down.<--- Hmm... I dont remember having any high aspirations at the moment.

To see a celebrity in your dream, represents your beliefs and understanding about him or her. Something in you waking life has triggered these similar beliefs and feelings. It is not uncommon that your obsession with a certain celebrity may carry over onto your dream world. Celebrities are often seen as heroes and all that is mighty. Also consider any puns within the name.<--- I'm not obsessed with KRU, and I hate all Yusof Haslam movies. In fact I'm not obsessed with any celebrities.

To dream that you are being chased, signifies that you are avoiding a situation that you do not think is conquerable. It is often a metaphor for some form of insecurity.<--- Hard to explain. Maybe I feel a bit insecure now.

To see or drive a van in your dream, symbolizes convenience and/or practicality. Consider the load that you are carrying and what you can handle. Don't stress yourself out.<--- Am I?

To dream that you are pushed or being pushed, signifies that you are being pressure or feel coerced into doing something. Alternatively, it implies your need for perfection. You may be finding that you do not have enough time to complete a task.<--- I am a perfectionist in some aspects, especially when I'm dealing with things people put me responsible for. But overall I'm quite lazy in person, hehe..

I also used to dream that I was sitting for exams unprepared, went somewhere naked, falling, and even kiss a girl friend of mine. Hahaha.. That was a long time ago, when I was in school. I only told one friend of mine because I was scared of other people's reaction to it. People might think I'm gay.

Here what the website says about being naked in a dream:

So you are going about your normal routine - going to work, waiting for the bus, or just walking down the street when you suddenly realize that you are stark naked. Dreaming that you are completely or partially naked is very common. Nudity symbolizes a variety of things depending on your real life situation.

Becoming mortified at the realization that you are walking around naked in public, is often a reflection of your vulnerability or shamefulness. You may be hiding something and are afraid that others can nevertheless see right through you. Metaphorically clothes are a means of concealment. With clothes, you can hide your identity or be someone else. But without them, everything is hanging out for all to see. You are left without any defenses. The dream may telling you that you are trying to be something that you really are not. Or that you are fearful of being ridiculed and disgraced. If you are in a new relationship, you may have some fears or apprehension in revealing your true feelings.

Nudity also symbolizes being caught off guard. Finding yourself naked at work or in a classroom, suggests that you are unprepared for a project at work or school. You may be uninformed in making a well-formed decision. With all eyes on you, you have this fear of having some deed brought to public attention. You fear that people will see through your true self and you will be exposed as a fraud or a phony.

Many times, when you realize that you are naked in your dream, no one else seems to notice (true!). Everyone else in the dream is going about their business without giving a second look at your nakedness. This implies that your fears are unfounded; no one will notice except you. You may be magnifying the situation and making an issue of nothing. On the other hand, such dreams may mean your desire (or failure) to get noticed.

For a small percentage of you, dreaming that you are proud of your nakedness and show no embarrassment or shame, then it symbolizes your unrestricted freedom. You have nothing to hide and are proud of who you are. The dream is about a new sense of honesty, openness, and a carefree nature.

Falling Dreams

Falling dreams are another theme that is quite common in the world of dreams. Contrary to a popular myth, you will not actually die if you do not wake up before your hit the ground during a fall.

As with most common dream themes, falling is an indication of insecurities, instabilities, and anxieties. You are feeling overwhelmed and out of control in some situation in your waking life. This may reflect the way you feel in your relationship or in your work environment. You have lost your foothold and can not hang on or keep up with the hustle and bustle of daily life. When you fall, there is nothing that you can hold on to. You more or less are forced toward this downward motion without any control. This lost of control may parallel a waking situation in your life.

Falling dreams also often reflect a sense of failure or inferiority in some circumstance or situation. It may be the fear of failing in your job/school, loss of status, or failure in love. You feel shameful and lack a sense of pride. You are unable to keep up with the status quo or that you don't measure up.

According to Freudian theory, dreams of falling indicate that you are contemplating giving into a sexual urge or impulse. You maybe lacking indiscretion.

Falling dreams typically occur during the first stage of sleep. Dreams in this stage are often accompanied by muscle spasms of the arms, legs, and the whole body. These sudden contractions, also known as myclonic jerks. Sometimes when we have these falling dreams, we feel our whole body jerk or twitch and we awaken from this jerk. It is thought that this jerking action is part of an arousal mechanism that allows the sleeper to awaken and become quickly alert and responsive to possible threats in the environment.

According to biblical interpretations, dreams about falling have a negative overtone and suggest that man is acting and walking according to his own way of thinking and not those of the Lord.

Taking Exams

To dream that you are taking an exam, indicates that you are being put to the test or being scrutinized in some way. Such dreams highlight your feelings of being anxious and agitated. You may find that you cannot answer any of the questions on the test or that the test is in some foreign language. Is time running out and you find that you can not complete the exam in the allowed time? Or are you late to the exam? Does your pencil keep breaking during the exam? Such factors contribute to you failing this test. These dreams usually have to do with your self-esteem and confidence or your lack of. You are worried that you are not making the grade and measuring up to other people's expectations of you. You may also experience the fear of not being accepted, not being prepared, or not being good enough. You feel nervous, insecure and tend to believe the worst about yourself.

These dreams also suggest that you may feel unprepared for a challenge. Rarely, are these dreams about the content of the test, but rather the process and how you are feeling during the exam taking process. Generally, you feel distressed and frustrated. These feelings may parallel how you are feeling in a particular challenge or situation in your waking like.

Dreams of this nature are also an indication that you are being judged and this dream is a signal for you to examine an aspect of yourself that you may have been neglecting and need to pay attention to. You may harbor some guilt because of your neglect in preparation for a school exam, meeting, business project, or some challenge. Most of the time, though, people who have such dreams are unlikely to fail a test in real life. This dream goes back to their fear and own anxiety that they may not meet other's standards of them. They are afraid to let others down.

Being Gay

To dream that you are homosexual (but you are not in your waking life), represents a union with aspects of yourself. It is symbolic of self-love, self-acceptance, and compassion. If, in your dream, you are not comfortable with homosexuality, then it suggests some fears/anxieties about your masculinity (if you are male) and femininity (if you are female). You may be experiencing some insecurity in your relations with the opposite sex. If you are heterosexual and you dream that you are kissing someone of the same sex, then it represents self-acceptance. You are acknowledging the feminine or masculine side.

Maybe some of the interpretations are true. I can relate some of them to my life. There was one subject I took back in Univ that discussed about human behaviours. How parents treat their children when they're small can determine the children behaviour when they become adults. It is very crucial for parents-to-be to be prepared in child psychology, so as not to turn your child into some maniac. I guess most of us know that most of the serial killers were abandoned by their parents when they were children. Another obvious maniac is Eminem, who cursed his mother in every single album of his. Well, if all the things he told were true, I can't really blame him for hating his mother.

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I'm looking for the first written book on MPD(Multiple Personality Disorder). I'm not sure who the author and what the title is, but do tell me if you know about that book. Muchos gracias!

Talk! I Will Listen.

I havent updated this blog for a week now. Not because I dont have time. I do, but I dont have any idea what to say. I settled some arrangements last week, went back to Terengganu after that for Raya Haji, came back for work, and that's it! Nothing interesting, nothing worth mentioning. Some issues came up, but too personal to be mentioned here. Relationship stuff, too complicated to be revealed.

Without our parents, Raya Haji was very simple this year, but not in terms of food. We adik beradik cooked nasi ayam and satay. We made them ourselves, from scratch with the help of Makcik Ani, our neighrbour. We bought 6 chickens, 3 for satay and 3 for nasi ayam. We also made satay daging and satay hati. Satays were not enough, but plenty of nasi ayam were left unfinished. Everybody seems like they couldn't get enough of satay. Maybe because our nasi ayam was not that tasty. But we recycled the chicken from nasi ayam , I turned them into sweet & sour chicken.

We havent heard from our parents during raya, I guess they are busy. And they havent called since we told our father that auntie passed away. We couldnt even talk to mother, she just couldnt stand to hear our voice. I guess she havent been told that her sister had passed away. Once when my little brother asked to talk to her, she went "Adik ingat Umi dokkk???", crying. More like wailing, since my sister who sat beside my brother can hear her. She is missing home and her children.

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Someone told me that having a blog is an exit for all the things that you keep inside your head or your heart. Really? Do you get the satisfaction you seek for when you write? I dont. If I'm mad at someone close, I have to show them that I'm angry at them. That's how I let it all out. But if it is someone that is not very close, I may just shut my mouth up. But I'm quite sarcastic in person, so that someone can just get it from me anytime. I may and may not write about how I feel, but that still couldnt make me feel relieved.

Speaking of feelings, I have a couple of friends who are very self absorbed. Ever been in a conversation when you wanted to tell someone about something and end up with you listening to them all the way? Yup, happen to me, a lot of times. I think that is the reason why I became quiet among some of my friends. I just couldnt talk, whenever I open my mouth, they will interrupt me as if I'm just some kind of background music to their loud thrash head banging song. And some even have the courtesy to ask why I've been so quiet? Dont you see what you've done to me?

That's one kind. There's another kind who starts comparing them and you whenever you tell them about your problems. Just to show that their life is more fucked up than yours. Why does it have to be all about you? Why cant you for once listen to other's as well? Why do you have to be so self-centered? My advice, if you are to face the same problem, STOP. Dont say anything, dont coax them into any self-related conversation, just let them talk. Talk about movie stars, latest fashion, latest office gossips.. Yes.. these type of people know a lot of things that you dont. That's the only thing that's good with them... ahaha.. if you like to gossip la.

Maybe you get the impression that only girls are like this. No, not true. Guys are also like this. I can stand girls who are self-centered, but not guys. Serious, I dont. And they are even worse when they gossip, with all those nasty comments. But I love boys who can stop me from gossipping and pout their lips in disgust when I tried to gossip with them.

Meet with Celebrities

Last night I watched Juara Lagu on television. I dont know about other people but I think the show is quite lame this year. The combination of Najib Ali and Sarimah does not seem appropriate. And what more, all the information and jokes about earth elements i.e water, fire, air seem like useless rambling to me. They actually read the definition of all those things from dictionary (page and line included), it's like we dont know the actual meaning of water, fire etc. Like last year, the two emcees pretend they dont like each other and throw annoying remarks to each other. It works last year, I think it was funny but the same idea 2 years in a row? Doesnt work for me..

Spider grabs the title of Juara Lagu. I think they deserved it. The song was nice and Tam's vocal was excellent. Rock gitu!! Hehe.. But I dont know why Misha Omar won the best vocal award. Anuar Zain's voice was more powerful, I think. But maybe ada terkucil sikit kut.

Speaking of Anuar Zain, I met him and his sister Ziana Zain in IJN on the weekend me and my sisters visited our auntie. He was very THE handsome I might say, with his long wavy hair framing his face and his Ray Ban hooked nicely on his shapely nose. Although the Ray Ban works wonders on him, I dont understand the purpose of the shades inside the dimly lit building. Is he afraid that people might recognize him and surround him the moment we saw him? Hello!! I dont think so. Although my younger sister was busy walking here and there hoping for a glimpse of him, we were in the ICU unit and were busy mourning than jumping in excitement the moment we saw celebrities. Unlike her brother, I think Ziana Zain was much more modest with even no make up on.

They were visiting their father who was also in the ICU unit, his bed was across the aisle from my auntie's. I heard from my cousin that Anuar's father had a heart failure and was also in coma like my arwah auntie.

Celebrities can be so funny sometimes. They expect people to know them and recognize them wherever they are. Below is the conversation between Ziana Zain and my cousin.

Ziana Zain: Mak ke? (while pointing to my auntie)
My cousin: Ye. Mak saya.
Ziana Zain: Kenal saya tak?
My cousin: Emm.. rasa macam pernah nampak. Kat mana ye?
Ziana Zain: Saya Ziana Zain. Alaa.. penyanyi tu...

I think it's brilliant that my cousin pretended she didnt recognize her. I mean, do you really have to ask people whether they know you or not?

I am not sure if their father has recovered or not, but if I were Anuar Zain, I wont even think of singing when my father is like that. But then again, maybe he thinks that singing is what his father wants him to do. Cant expect people to think like us, right? Well then, chow bebeh..

You're So Vain!

R was my schoolmate back in Seri Puteri. I wasnt her best friend but I'm close enough to know her type of man and her life obsession (at that time, it was Brazil football team). We part ways in 1994 and I only heard from her once in a while through our batch mailing list.

Back then, she was the girl who loves attention. Being in a school where most of the girls were daughter of somebody, being rich is not a factor for being popular. At least not in our batch. Those who are loud, funny and know how to have fun in a confined all-girls-school like us will be like the flame to the moth. Not those who have the largest collection of boys number, mind you.

SR, who now is practicing medicine in UK was one of those girls. She was a straight A student, was very funny, and had i-couldnt-care-less attitude which was loved by most of the girls. The fact that she was very intelligent and doesnt flock around with the school nerds makes her famous among the attention-crave girls. When we were in Form 2, R was very attached to SR, going wherever SR was going and agreeing to everything SR was saying. Until SR was moved to another seat in the class, which was next to me. We had to do a lot of things together, like lock the door up after night prep, every night. Our classroom was located far from other classes, behind the school lab and near the big haunted house (We called it Rumah Besar). Never seen anything near the big house but heard a lot of strange things occured there. They said the owner of the house were an English man and he and his family were killed by Japanese army. Anyway when we have to lock the classroom every night, we have to wait for everyone to go out and usually they wont wait and left the two 'in-duty' girls to do the job alone. But not so for my case, R will always be there waiting to walk back together to the dorm with SR. And sometimes I can see that R is jealous when SR asked me to do anything with her.

A few years after that I can see that R has matured, no longer care about small childish thing like fighting for attention from SR. But I started to see that she likes to exaggerate on things. Like how ridiculously handsome his male friend who had been secretly giving out signs to her, oh duhh.. talk about vain..

Last year, I stumbled into her blog. But I dont care to read because I have no interest in knowing about what others are thinking and doing... at that time... now I've become a busybody and wanted to know everything that everyone's doing.. dont blame me.. my job is so damn free.. ahaha...

Anyway I have just started reading her blog this past few weeks, because she now is one of my COLLEAGUE!! In the same team with me. But shhh she doesnt know that I knew her blog. So much fun! I get to read her ridiculous untrue rambling. She said that she is the only female in this goddamn floor. What? What am I? Invisible to her eyes? So much can change, but cant change the 'vainness' in some people.

I thought people change a lot when they get older, diminish some if not all bad qualities from their life. Why? Because I do changed a LOT. I am not trying to boost or anything here but if you knew me when I was in school and me now, I am like 'langit dengan bumi'. I was the hu-ha kind of girl before, but now I am more laid back, I talk when it is necessary only, and I listen more than I talk. (This could not be true under certain condition, e.g when I'm in black car with plate no starting with W).

Anyway I have finished Deception Point, also by Dan Brown. This book doesnt meet my expectation at all. Not as interesting as the first two books by Mr. Brown that I've read. Maybe I should read this book once again, because I did it with so many things on my mind, mainly about the Genting Highland trip that did not happen. I have planned so many things. Look what happen when two people wants the same thing at different time. Think about it Mr. Kay. I'm giving you time to think. Opportunity may present itself one of these days. Maybe in another couple of weeks? I'm waiting.....

Innalillah.....

I was about to blog about my visit to IJN (Institut Jantung Negara) yesterday but decided not to after a while. Instead, I blogged about books. I was thinking about doing it today but I guess I dont have to because the reason for that visit is not with us anymore.

My auntie passed away after 5 days in coma. She was diagnosed with cancer on her left kidney, and underwent 3 operations in 2 days. She underwent 8-hours operation to remove her cancer on Thursday, and has not wake up since then. Later that day doctors found out that she was losing a lot of blood and was ready to cut her up again. The doctors discovered that the blood loss was caused by her bleeding stomach. Doctors also discovered that due to massive bleeding, her outer bowel has stopped receiving oxygen and has turned blue. So they again asked permission from my cousins to remove my auntie's outer bowel. All of her outer bowel was removed and doctors gave her 10% chance to live...

According to my cousin, my auntie was very cheerful and doesnt look very sick before the operation. She even joked with the nurse that pushed her strolley. What could possibly be wrong? She was in ICU the whole time after the operation. Why did the stomach that bleeds when the kidney that was cut out in the fist place? Careless? Coincidence? Mende dah nak jadi....?

She looked so peaceful in her sleep when I saw her last Saturday. Her breathing was constant and her hand was warm. And under the bed, dangled the blood-filled-water-bag. Lots of blood. Her own blood. So scary. Why havent the nurse remove that bag I do not know.

My parents didnt know yet. My mother must be heartbroken when she learns her only sister has gone.

Angels & Demons II

I have read a book about Buddhism (cannot remember the title and author, the book now is in the dusty part of my shelf) which describes a Sultan (definitely Muslim la.. what else) as a man who rules during the day and be with different women during the night. Since Islam legalizes polygamy, I think non-Muslim jump to conclusion that a Sultan must have the authority to be with more women than any ordinary man. I just couldnt believe all the craps these people made up to make our religion looks bad. I actually stopped reading that book and left the last quarter of it to rot. ehehe no la.. actually it tooks all my energy and concentration to read the eight-hundred-something-pages book. I stopped because I was so damn bored with it(just like the Fellowship of The Ring, but I dragged myself to finish it, the 2nd and last part were unbelievably interesting though). It was slow-paced and was divided into various parts with different story in each part. Actually all the characters in each part are inter-related, they are the reincarnation of each other. Stupid/Unbelievable theory but at least now I understand about the reincarnation as believed by Buddhist. Although Buddha originated from Sri Lanka, but now the majority of population there embrace Hinduism. Wonder how that happens.

I'm also not really fond of American author who likes to describe Muslim as a terrorist and Islam as a religion that promotes violence. So I try to stop reading books written by these authors. I have stopped reading Tom Clancy's. It's because he is judgemental towards Muslim and also because I dont understand his technical description about weapons, navy ships, planes etc. It's hard to imagine and understand something when you are not interested in it. Dont blame me, I'm just a girl. But the former is the ultimate reason as to why I'm boycotting his works.

But Dan Brown is a super-genius author. I always think that Sidney Sheldon is the master of fast-paced thriller but now he has found himself a rival. Cant wait to go to MPH to get a copy of another Mr. Brown's bestseller, Digital Fortress.

Hey anyone has a copy of Anne Rice's The Witching Hour(1st book in Mayfair witches series)? I've read this book a few years back but I would like to read it once more, and get one for my own collection. Nadiah lent me Lasher(2nd book in Mayfair witches series) the other day and I have forgotten almost everthing in the first book. I was looking for it in MPH Midvalley last weekend but believe it or not, the book is out of stock in all MPH stores.

Enough about books. Got some spells to work on!

Angels & Demons

Too many things happened these few days... And I dont feel like blogging, since I'm trying to finish Dan Brown's Angels & Demons.

This book has kept me doing nothing but lying on my bed/ in front of the tv with my eyes glued on it and occasional glance at the tv screen. I only put down this book when my eyes couldnt hold themselves open any longer and simply obey the force of the gravity...ehehe... yes I do other things as well la... it's just that when I was at home I will try to read this book as much as I can. It is so addictive... just like Harry Porter and Anne Rice's Mayfair witches series. If you have read bestselling The Da Vinci code, you must have known what I'm talking about. Unputdownabble!

At first I was quite skeptical about buying Mr. Brown's book. After reading The Da Vinci Code, many things crossed my mind. As a Muslim, I believe that Nabi Isa/Jesus was borned without a father, but I'm not sure about him having a wife and descendant. I asked around but nobody seems to be sure about this. When I was growing up, I used to read my mom's Sejarah Nabi-Nabi book. The book explains in detail the history of each of our 25 Rasul. But I couldnt find that book anywhere at home when I tried to search for it. And as expected, Islam was not mentioned at all in Angels & Demons. Since this book is somewhat about exposing the true identity of Jesus, I was half-expecting some connection to Islam mentioned in it.. but I guess the book wont be a bestseller if Mr.Brown does that...

Although Angels & Demons is an interesting book, I am saddened by the fact that the assassin hired by the camerlengo (Assistant to Pope) is an Arab. Although his religion was not mentioned (i think so..ehehe..gotta check back), I'm 100% sure that everyone who reads this book will think that he is a Muslim, no doubt about it! Not just a killer, the assassin was also described as someone who pays a lot of money for OTHER entertainment, which involves tying up, pretty women and a secret room in a back alley somewhere in Rome. But overall the book is superb. To be continued...

Chow 2004, What's Up 2005!

Happy New Year everyone. I'm spending my New Year moment by watching news, mostly about Tsunami victims. I dont get New Year wish from that one person I've been hoping for, but never mind, I'm sure that person is having fun celebrating New Year while makan-makan nasi goreng and sate. Who wants to remember other people on the other side of the world ni kan if you are already surrounded by exciting and entertaining crowds!! It's the same thing as not celebrating someone's birthday just because you want to be close to your so called loved ones. Funny how my life has turned out to be now.

Anyway it seems like there are people who are not sensitive enough to be spreading jokes about this tsunami thingy. However, I'm glad that most of our television channels do not broadcast irrespectful entertainment like concert etc. At least there are people in those stations that realized this is a time for mourning, and not showing good-for-nothing entertainment just because it is New Year. I've heard DBKL also has pulled out all the permits that they have given out for New Year concert, including Alan Tam concert at Stadium Merdeka and also KLCC New Year concert.

Maybe there are people who thinks that I'm too-serious-freak but hey, think about this... almost 79k people are dead in Indonesia alone. Shouldnt we stop ourselves from being so selfish and start thinking about others' hardship as well? Although number of casualties in Malaysia is low, we shouldnt just ignore it, but instead, thank Allah for that and take it as a warning from Him and try to be His most loyal servant from now on.

Okla I'm going to sleep. Gotta work tomorrow. Hmm...I'm still thinking that calm warm feeling that I get when I hugged my mom at the airport yesterday.

I'm in love with a man, but I do not know who he is, where he is going, and when.