I think this is the first time I’m awake at this hour this week. It’s 5pm in the evening. It is so hot that I can’t no longer keep myself out of this world. Here I am, sweat still dripping from my forehead, thinking of something to write. I’m in my torn shirt and old jeans that I cut short, lying on my stomach, facing the front door in my living room. I’m quite fresh actually, although I haven’t taken my bath, and I still didn’t get enough sleep, because I get to jump around in the house just now. Eheheh, nobody is in, so why stop myself from doing things that I like huh?

Today I feel refreshed, I feel like I’m a new person. I have sorted everything out smoothly; I manage to keep everyone happy. It’s not so hard to do that, one phone call or one sms away, just to show that you are still a friend, that you are still there. The only thing that makes my life kinda sucks is my never ending cough. Oh my…. I need to take a break for awhile, got to find that stupid drug.

Isn’t it nice when you know that your friends need you? When you know that they are happy when you are in their company? That they felt something when you left them out? I tell you, it’s a warm assuring feeling that you don’t get to feel everyday, especially when you realized that by just calling them you can already made them happy, although they were kinda pissed off at you just a day before that. 

I’m thankful I get to know you guys. You know who you are.

This stupid drug makes me drowsy already. I thought I can clear my head up to think about things I never get to think these days. But this damn junk, I cant think anymore.

Just a quick note, before I’m off to dreamland, or off to shower:

Nurul, I’m so sorry. Maybe you guys are not meant to be together. It’s hard to find happiness these days. But surely they are there somewhere to be found. Maybe you still can be with him, only not now. Perhaps in future. Don’t worry, we’re still young and desirable girl! Still have plenty of time to find our Mr. Right. Hahaha… Maybe it’s true what I’ve predicted for you before, you found your man, kenal 2-3 bulan terus kawin. Dia kan dah lama sangat kenal, so not your Mr. Right la kut. Pape pun, remember what Destiny’s Child cakap, “I’m your girl, you’re my girl, don’t you know I love ya”. I’m here if you need anything, sistah.

Ina, congratulations. Semoga korang kekal sampai sepanjang hayat!

Girls, (Shahril you are included).. I’m suggesting we meet up once every month, to catch up on things, lunch ke.. dinner ke.. whatever. Anyone nak second my opinion? Pot luck… bila… bila?

Okla.. my sister just came back with food. Yay! Tak payah masak! I’m off to fill up my empty tank folks!

Coughing My Life Through This Week

I've been coughing for almost 2 weeks now.. It's so bad that my whole body shook whenever the cough strikes. I got this cough on my own. Saja cari pasal. I dont have anything to do that one sweet day that I tried to smoke a cigarette. Just wanted to feel what is so great about this number one cause of lung cancer. So I smoke like a real man did. Not just puff in and out immediately like most of the girls did. I inhaled the smoke deep into my poor lung, try to feel the moment, try to find the satisfying feeling that smokers have on their face whenever they smoke, but nada... nothing of that sort. First puff, I'm still ok. Second puff, I cough like a sick goat whose throat got stuck with ranting kayu or anything bigger than that. But that's still not enough to stop me. I continue to puff and cough until half of the cigarette gone, when my lung couldnt take it any longer.

A day after, my throat started to itch. That night, I started to cough. It's not that bad. I still went to work, night shift. Being in the air conditioned room for one whole night, I went back home sick with flu. I thought I could still manage, so I went back to work the night after without even been to the doctor. Guess what? I caught fever the day after that. Afraid that there'll be nobody to replace me, I went to work and went to see the doctor. Dapat ubat jer, makan ubat, tido kejap, terus ok. Hehhehe... But my cough still doesnt want to part with me, sampai la ke hari ni. Tensen tul! Especially in a quiet office, tengah2 malam buta, when everyone tengah syok layan karat, tetiba terdengar bunyi orang batuk macam kambing tua dah nak sampai masa.. ada time sampai non-stop lak tu.. kronik tul...

I cannot makan ubat betul2, especially ubat batuk, because nanti i'll be drowsy and cannot work. So I took the medicine only when I'm at home. So every nite until now asyik escape makan ubat time malam and then duduk dalam bilik air cond ni. So camne nak baik? Today is the worst. Because today Devil brought me coke with ice for dinner. He must have thought I have receovered from my cough. I also drank sirap limau during lunch. Because I havent cough during the day. Tengok apa jadi time malam.

So that's the story of my life for now. I guess that's the only interesting thing happen to me at this moment. Everything else seems to be very dull.

Tau tak hidup ni susah?

Sometimes I think I dont want things to change. I want everything to be back to normal. I used to be so very comfortable in that small coccoon, in my small world where I dont have to think about others, just me and him. Why did I get out of that? I hate to mingle around, show my true self, and to be accused of doing things that I didnt do.

I want everything to be normal again. I want to be close to people who know me. But I've made my decision. I think I'm doing the right thing. Am I? Is being happy actually a right thing? What if God has destined for us to face hardships in life, and not being happy is actually what he wants? I think I have gone mad. Hahahaa...

Anyway, why being friendly to others can turn out to be something bad? Why doing that can lead some people to misinterpret my intention?

Am I too much?

I guess I am. Should have known not to cross the border. I guess I forget.

I guess things will never be the same again.
Never.

There is a heart that has been broken, there is a heart that is going to be broken, and there is also a heart that has been angered. There is also a heart that will start to beat again, and a heart that will never feel anything again. If I can choose, I choose to have a heart that doesnt have a heart. Hahaha... ok daks?