Really need to get sleeping pill for myself. I cant sleep. Dah 2 hari. The first night I took 3 painkillers (usually work when I cant sleep, I used to have low tolerant for pills), also did not work. I end up gasping for breath for a couple of minutes after that. That's the bad effect of too many painkillers kut. After Subuh, when the sun already peeked itself behind the mountain then only I can sleep. I woke up at 4pm that day. Fuh.. wasting 1 hari.

Then last night the same thing happens. I only can sleep when the roosters already started their morning routine. And now at 2am I still dont feel like I'm gonna be sleeping anytime soon. Guess I'll try the pills one more time. See if they work tonight. Have to. I have to get up early tomorrow. My girlfrens decided they wanna go shopping at 9am tomorow. Eishhh... Awalllll sangatttt!!! Nevermind, bangun awal is good!

Anyway, close to 7 months I didnt blog. I'm engaged now. Tee hee.. Ada cincin dah kat jari manis. :D

=== Not ready to give up yet. I'm missing my baby ab ===

Just got back from watching Da Vinci Code. I am very satisfied with the movie. All the important facts in the book are in the movie. Maybe there's a minor change, but overall the storyline doesnt wander off from the one in the book. The movie actually makes me want to go to see Musee du Louvre in the heart of Paris. Maybe one day kalau dah ada duit banyak, I can spend some to see Europe.

Just now I watched James Blunt concert on Channel V while makan Nasi Goreng Cendawan and Tomyam. I have no idea that he is very talented. I know about two of his famous songs, You're Beautiful and Goodbye My Lover, and I've heard my friend praising him, but before this I myself tak pernah interested to listen to his songs. Tapi tadi masa tengah makan tu, my eyes glued to the tv set, syok tengok dia nyanyi. Syok maybe is not the right word, more like rasa connected to him. His eyes potrays different emotions with different songs. Macam his eyes is talking when he's singing. Ever heard people said "Eyes are the window to one's soul"? I think this guy is not afraid to show the world his emotions with his eyes.

I can see he's in pain when he sang Goodbye My Lover, a song about a man who cant be with the woman he loves. I can see his eyes glitter almost sarcastically when he sang Tears and Rain, and I can feel he's reminiscing about something in the past when he sang You're Beautiful, lagu about a stranger he saw in subway. I could be wrong with my interpretations but what I like about this guy is that he can stir different emotions within me with his songs. Not many singers can do that. Not many Malaysian artist can do that. Especially not Mawi! hehe... amik kesempatan condemn Mawi skit kat sini..

About the comment that I received in previous entry, I would prefer if that person identify him/herself. I'm sure that I know you and you also know me to leave a comment like that. Surely not a friend to be saying such a cruel thing. Or maybe also a friend in disguise?

For others who dont know me that well, I guess I better shed some light here. I broke up with my ex. I left him. Would a friend says that it's karma when I reveal about myself being in an unhappy place?

Menanti Sebuah Jawaban -P.A.D.I-

Aku tak bisa luluhkan hatimu
Dan aku tak bisa menyentuh cintamu
seiring jejak kakiku bergetar
Aku tak terpagut oleh cintamu
Menelusup hariku dengan harapan
Namun kau masih terdiam membisu

Sepenuhnya aku ingin memelukmu
Mendekap penuh harapan tuk mencintaimu
Setulusnya aku akan terus menunggu
Menanti sebuah jawaban tuk memilikimu

Betapa pilunya rindu menusuk jiwaku
Semoga kau tau isi hatiku
Dan seiring waktu yg terus berputar
Aku masih terhanyut dalam mimpiku

Ni lagu sedih yang sesuai ngan post ni... hehehe..

Hi people,
Lamanya tak menulis. Have been very busy.
How's life?
Mine?
Not so great.

I am going nowhere. Still stuck in a place with fragile and broken glasses everywhere. The view is breathtaking, but this place is harmful. People get hurt easily here. Dahla takde first aid kit. Boleh luka berdarah sampai mati. And dont expect anyone to help you here because you have to take responsibility on everything that might happen to you, sebab kat front door tu dah ada sign " If you fall, get up on your own. If you bleed, lick your wound on your own. And if you die, dig your grave on your own". Dalam erti kata lain "Jangan menyusahkan orang lain. People have no time nak layan karenah you".

Why am I still in there, I dont know. Could be because I love the view so much. Or maybe because I have been comfortable there?

Maybe jugak this is the payback time. Maybe...

Pape pun, my life is at a standstill. Tak bergerak ke mana pun. Camne you see me now, this is me you gonna see in the next 2-3 years. Nothing will happen next month. Nothing will happen end of this year. Nothing.

It is like a bomb. It just waits for something to trigger it off. Only someone with patience of a god can meddle with it. For the rest, stay out of its way! For someone who is only creating problems like me, I tend to only cause more harm than anything else. I can only cause it to explode faster than it should be. Doesnt matter if I already take the biggest precaution while diffusing it, it will still explode. Of course, swaying its attention away from exploding also will not change anything, because the purpose of its existence is mainly to explode. It doesnt care if you offer more power to it, or you change the battery to the one with lower Watts, or you try to use a cable with higher resistance, or you reduce the explosives inside it. And if you try to disassemble it, yes, it will explode. So you tell me, what should I do? Should I try to pretend to be an expert and try to diffuse it? Should I act as if I'm the smartest asshole and try to sway its attention from releasing its destructive power? Should I pretend that I'm the holiest person in this world and be patient? Cause the only thing that I can think of is staying away from it.

Take my photo off the wall if it just won't sing for you.
Cause all that's left has gone away and there's nothing there for you to prove

Oh, look what you've done, you've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems like such fun until you lose what you had won

Give me back my point of view cause I just can't think for you
I can hardly hear you say what should I do, well you choose

Oh, look what you've done you've made a fool of everyone
Oh well, it seems like such fun until you lose what you had won

First Impression

I attended a very long meeting today. It lasts for only one hour, but somehow it felt very long to me. The usual stuff were being discussed, last meeting's minute, bla bla bla, then today's new agendas.

One of them is about critical performance evaluation on one of my shift members. It's her sixth month being here and it's about time that they confirm her position or extend her probation period. Mind you, this kind of evaluation were never being done in my team eversince I join this company and it was quite a shock for me when I heard it was going to happen to one of my inferiors. The reason for this evalution is because she received quite a lot of complaints from others. Among the reasons that I can remember; she is not competent in doing her job, speaks malay with customers, talking on the phone while handling cases, and couldnt accept her mistakes when she is being reprimanded. I'm not sure if there is more, but these are the ones that I can remember.

Some of the reasons are very ridiculous la. Like speaking malay. If the person at the other end can understand malay, what is so wrong about that? She deals with Streamyx helpdesk, especially when there is network issue, so apa salahnya cakap melayu? Obviously most of the Telekom staffs are malay, melayu ngan melayu, better ckp melayu kan? As long as the message get across, problem can be solved, cukupla kan? And the person who is complaining only heard her speaks malay with the customer once, tapi bole nak file complaint. Come on la. Grow up! I'm not trying to be racist here, but I've heard chinese in here speaking chinese with customers as well.

I think we have this problem because of the first impression that she gave to these so called 'management people'. This girl is very loud, very talkative, very open minded and sometimes she cursed loudly to her friends, but never to any of us in there. As her lead, I found her quite obedient, although with her loud mouth, she actually never disobey any direct orders that I gave her.

At first when I was moved from my old shift to this current shift, I was quite sceptical towards her. Why? Because I also have a bad impression on her. Everybody knows about the escalation being made towards her by the account delivery manager in her first month being here. So I was under the impression that this girl is lousy at her job and has bad attitudes.

About the escalation, maybe it's her own mistake for not being particular with her work, but I also see another reason. When she first started, there were approximately 10 new hires there with her. They were sent to be trained in various accounts, and I think there are 3 other new hires learning the same account with her. When we're not learning one to one, it's quite difficult for us to grasp everything quickly. And I think before she can learn everything, she was already sent to be on shift. Unfortunately, her shift lead at that time is resigning from the post, and they were given another shift lead. Sadly, the new shift lead also is resigning within her first week in that shift. Ehehe... tataula apa bad omen yang ada kat shift tu, but, they were shift-lead-less for more than a month. Tau2 je la.. when you have no lead to monitor your work, semua buat keje cam haram jer. Lagipun, she's new, doesnt know everything, and with no lead, and with unhelpful shift members, camne la tak buat mistake? Camne la tak competent in her job?

Panjangnya... ada lagi nak cakap ni.. tapi dah ngantuk la... sambung esok la ek cite ni. ahahaha... but people, what i wanna say here is, dont be judgemental on people until you really get to know them. Some people may seems to be harsh, but they could be gentle deep down inside. I learned about this quite a lot of time dah, tp sometimes susah nak elak having that first impression on people before I really get to know them. I judge people everyday, and I'm trying to tell myself not to do that all the time. But it's hard, and it's harder to learn that we are making a wrong call about someone, when you have to change your view on that someone from bad... to good.... or in certain cases, from good.. to bad...

I just got back from supper in Bangsar. Makan Char Kuey Teow. Ada rasa gatal2 kat tempat2 tertentu, hmmm.. maybe udang tadi tak fresh kut. Anyway, I went there with my two female colleagues. Susah betul kuar tengah2 pagi buta ni kalau semua girls.. Semua mata memandang. Nak jalan pun rasa concious jer. Terpaksala berlakon buat cam takde apa.. tapi sebenarnya dalam hati concious nak mam... Ok ke tak aku ni? Baju ok ke tak ni? Kalau ada bf kat sebelah bole je tarik tangan ke, pape ke.. sure orang tak pandang sangat. Dahla tadi semua meja tepi2 jalan tu penuh ngan guys jer.. Supposenya tadi ada sorang mamat colleague kitorang ni jugak nak join sama.. tapi ntah camne dia bole melencong pegi A&W 24/7 kat PJ plak.. So last2 kitorang 3 awek cun ni je la yang pergi Bangsar..

Tadi before kuar makan dok try out this one freeware called Teamviewer. It functions like Remote Desktop or Netmeeting. More like netmeeting cos both parties get to control the desktop simultaneously. However, it's very slow if we're connected through Internet, but quite good if both parties are connected through LAN. Tak kisahla slow pun, asalkan bole buat keje. Ada abang kita ni beriye sangat nak 'Work From Home'. Dah takde VPN access tu maknanya kena 'Work in Office' bang. Tapi ok jugak tu. Lepas ni we can get to lepak in shopping complex with wireless internet access, you can do your work from there, and I can go shopping, and you can put your status something like.. 'Work from Starbucks'. Heh.. cool daks?

Last night I went to watch fireworks in KLCC. Hmm at last.. tercapai jugak hajat last year nak tgk fireworks. If you think they look beautiful from afar, wait until you watch them pop and burn directly on top of your head. It was undescribably grand, the sky was filled with breathtaking lights and colours, especially the part when the fireworks seem to rain down forever. I am lying if I say that last night was not romantic, in fact to say that it was 'romantic' was an understatement, for it was so so breathtakingly beautiful and super-ultra romantic that I dont even have the word to describe exactly how I felt. Maybe jugak sebab dah takde vocab yang power2 kut... ahahaha... Anyhow, ab, thank you for last night. Thank you jugak for all the things you have done for me all this while.. :)

I think I should stop writing before I berjiwang karat even more. Last but not least, as to meet the requirement of the new year, my new year resolution for 2006, among many, is to start a new life, and to forget all the craps of 2005. One thing that I learn from 2005, among many, is that people dont change, and that people love to misjudge others, even when they dont know the whole story. One can always tell stories to other people, but sometimes one tend to omit certain part of the stories that could play a vital role to the whole damn thing. So brag, seek, all you want, because the past has been left behind and that the proof of it is on its way to the wasteland.